I started thinking about what it would be like if Monday was a person, I’m telling you, she would be a real handful. Her name would be Krystal, and I’m pretty sure she would be from Marrero on the Westbank of New Orleans.
Krystal’s always the first to put on a cowboy hat at a wedding, and she strives to “dance like no one’s watching,” which she also has tattooed on her ribcage.
She got the tattoo in Gulf Shores during Spring Break 2002 and plans to add to it when she gets the settlement check from when a Mardi Gras float ran over her foot.
Krystal works the reception desk at an orthodontist’s office in Marrero but runs a side business out of her aunt’s house selling phone cases that say “Westbank Bitch.”
Krystal has a short fuse, especially with cops and her boyfriend Trey, an entrepreneur. Trey spends most of his time handing out flyers for his DJ management business outside Razoo in the French Quarter.
While Krystal wishes Trey would just return the money to Rapid Lube and get his job back, she loves him because he’s spontaneous and devoted to his three daughters, Miracle, Destiny, and Champagne.
Everyone in the office loves Krystal because she brings a lot of enthusiasm to work, and her nails are always colorfully painted with zodiac signs. She loves the music of Slim Thug, Marlboro Ultra Lights on the drive to work, and most of all, good news. Let’s get into it.
Teen Lifeguard Helps Deliver Baby Poolside
Unbelievable news. What a way to kick things off. I’ve spoken at length about heroes in this newsletter; myself, the upside-down baby, the brave men and women of the emergency jetpack brigade, but this heroic teen might take the cake.
I admire this pregnant woman’s commitment to a pool day, knowing full well she could have a baby at any moment.
Krystal is the same way. She once blew off a funeral because she heard DJ Trashy might go to the Westwego Hampton Inn pool.
When Trashy didn’t show, Krystal started taking tequila shots until she slipped in the hot tub and broke her wrist.
Lucky for her, a strapping teenage lifeguard carried her into the lobby for a bag of ice. They dated that summer but broke up in the fall when he told her he needed to concentrate on football.
Lifeguards rarely get enough credit for their bravery. I once saw a lifeguard dismantle a nuclear bomb in a documentary called “Baywatch.”
Did you hear about that on the news? I doubt it. Lifeguards, teachers, and DJ managers have to be the most underappreciated members of society.
Little League Batter Consoles Pitcher After Scary Hit To Head: I Wanted Him To Know I Was OK
Sportsmanship. Right here. The maturity of this kid to take one to the dome and not only forgive the pitcher but console him on the mound in front of everyone is some of the best news of the year.
I’d love to tell you that Krystal has that level of poise, but she doesn’t. Once, during the 2013 Westbank Orthodontics Softball Tournament, the pitcher, an assistant named Blakely, accidentally beaned her with an errant throw.
Blakely apologized profusely but didn’t yet realize she and Krystal both graduated from Archbishop Shaw in 1999.
During their senior year, Blakely spread a rumor that Krystal appeared in Girls Gone Wild: Endless Spring Break, and because of that, Krystal got kicked off the dance team.
Blakely also didn’t know that Krystal only took a job in orthodontics when she could have made way more money cutting hair at Just For Him in Gretna because she knew Blakely was an orthodontic assistant and knew she’d be at this softball game.
After being struck by the pitch, Krystal threw down her daiquiri and charged the mound. Blakely, who also grew up in Marrero, immediately took out her earrings and assumed a defensive stance.
What transpired next was one of the greatest fights in Westbank history. People there still talk about how it took six cops and three bottles of pepper spray to break them up.
Krystal and Blakely were both taken into custody and held for several hours. It was then that Blakely recognized Krystal from high school and asked why she attacked her.
Krystal told her it was because of the Girls Gone Wild rumor that got her kicked off the dance team and ruined her shot at a scholarship to Louisiana Tech.
Blakely, taken aback by the accusation, told Krystal that she didn’t spread the rumor; it was actually Nicole.
Krystal remembered that she made out with Nicole’s boyfriend in the Popeye’s bathroom sophomore year, and suddenly it all made sense.
Krystal and Blakely stood as the officer unlocked the cell and embraced. They left the police station and went to Hooters, but this time it was as friends. Now that’s what I call good news.
Thank you so much for taking the time to peruse this week’s edition of Good News Monday. Hopefully, you like what you read and want me to keep pumping out the vibes for the start of your week. If you could, consider sending this link to your people and encourage them to sign up on the homepage. In these trying times of inflation, looming foreign wars, and vicious softball fights, everyone could use some good news. Have a blessed week.
