Grammar Secrets of History’s Greatest Lovers

Want to make better love? Make better grammar.

Joe Bee

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Regarding grammar, most folks out there roll their eyes and hit the snooze button. Commas, antecedents, prepositions? Who’s got time for that? But here’s a little secret: proper grammar is like a hidden aphrodisiac. People find intelligence downright sexy. Just ask Ayn Rand, Nikola Tesla, Benjamin Franklin, and Ted Cruz— they weren’t just brilliant thinkers; they had a knack for getting frisky. Their secret? Grammar, baby!

So, if you’re looking to spice up your writing and your love life simultaneously, follow these easy-peasy techniques:

Semicolons: The Sexy Punctuation

Back in the day, before emojis ruled the scene, semicolons were the OG “winky face.” These little squiggles are more than just suggestive; they’re downright sultry. Semicolons come into play when you’ve got two independent clauses like peas in a pod — they go together like peas and carrots.

For example:

“The blind clown quit the priesthood; the brothers didn’t appreciate his casual nudity.”

Here, the blind clown making a career change is just as crucial as the brothers’ reaction to his uninhibited tendencies. Semicolons add that extra zing to your writing, even when discussing priests and birthday suits.

Embrace the Oxford Comma (OC)

Remember that band Vampire Weekend with the song asking, “Who gives a fk about an Oxford comma?” If you’re aiming for more action in the bedroom, you should give care.

The Oxford comma debate is like a never-ending ping-pong match, but those who dismiss its charms aren’t charming anyone else either. Oxford commas are like the seasoning that elevates your writing from plain to gourmet. They make you look just pretentious enough to be intriguing.

Here’s how it works: You use an OC after the conjunction in a list of items.

For example:

“Before taking ecstasy in her bathroom, Karen needs orange juice, Vick’s Vaporub, and menthol cigarettes.”

Now, some folks argue that OCs help remove ambiguity from sentences. But they highlight the last item in the list. In Karen’s case, those menthol cigarettes are her ticket to a good time while she’s enjoying her bathtime escapade.

So, if you’re texting a potential fling or want to up your sex appeal in everyday life, give these grammar tips a whirl. You’ll find people looking at you with newfound admiration, and you might get more action than you ever imagined. You’re welcome. 😉

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