Grammar Tips For Closeted Fraternity Bros

The Greek system can be close-minded. Bring your best grammar.

Joe Bee


Well, folks, let’s dive into a topic as complex and nuanced as a Rubik’s Cube on a rollercoaster: sexuality. It’s a wild spectrum; don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

It’s a constantly evolving masterpiece, and what you feel today might take a U-turn tomorrow. It’s like a rich tapestry, and if you find yourself a tad befuddled while showering with your fraternity brothers, don’t sweat it; you’re not alone in this labyrinth of desires.

Fraternities, historically, have been the playgrounds where straight dudes gather to swig drinks, party, and chase college girls. They’re these secluded societies with an oath of silence and a strong emphasis on brotherhood. But, sometimes, that brotherhood can get a tad…intimate.

You can try to deny it all you want, but after a round of cheap chardonnay and some discount cocaine, your primal urges for your fellow brothers might stage a coup.

The unfortunate reality is that fraternities haven’t exactly been the poster children for embracing same-sex relationships. If the chapter president catches wind of what went down between you and Tyler in the basement during the Friday Flaming Dr. Pepper Freakout Party, he might haul you in front of the fraternity council and show you the exit.

But hey, if that’s what you’re after, more power to you. However, if you’d like to extend your stay in the frat a bit longer while keeping your torrid love affair with Tyler on the down low, I’ve got some sneaky grammar tips that won’t betray your clandestine relationship.

1. He/Him Pronouns Are Your Best Friends

When it’s just you and Tyler lounging at your dad’s beach condo that he never uses, Tyler prefers you use she/her pronouns when referring to her. It was his idea, but you’re all in because it adds a tantalizing twist to the whole affair.

You see, Tyler falls under the category known as a “sub,” short for submissive. She thrives on being told what to do, and you relish asserting your dominance by instructing her to whip up a grilled cheese sandwich with a slice of heirloom tomato.