Grammar Tips For Secret Drunks

I won’t tell anyone. I promise.

Joe Bee


I’m all about having a good time, just like the next guy. A few drinks here and there, maybe grabbing a cheeky beer from the gas station during my lunch break — it’s all in the spirit of fun. And hey, maybe there’s a little bottle of wine tucked away in the ceiling tiles of the office bathroom. But come on, it’s all in good fun, right?

Now, if you’re anything like me, you might find yourself tiptoeing on the line of being a high-functioning alcoholic without even realizing it. So, what’s a high-functioning alcoholic, you ask? Well, it’s someone who can juggle life’s demands, get through the day, and keep that subtle buzz going, all without anyone being the wiser.

You’ve got a job, pay your bills, and you’re definitely not out on the street with your pants down, yelling at passing cars. But let’s be real: It’s not the healthiest way to live, and sometimes, all those little secrets about your drinking can weigh you down. Life can be tough, and sometimes a drink is the only thing that makes it bearable.

But hey, nobody’s perfect, and even the most cautious, high-functioning alcoholic can slip up from time to time. It can happen anywhere, but usually, it’s when you’ve had a bit too much bathroom wine and end up tripping over the trash can in your office. But more often than not, the real giveaway is those sloppy work emails.

Now, grammar mistakes are like the high-functioning alcoholic’s guilty telltale signs, but they don’t have to be. So, here are some grammar tips to ensure your boss doesn’t catch on to the fact that you’ve transformed the bottom drawer of your filing cabinet into a nitrogen-cooled beer fridge.

1. The Comma Splice Conundrum

Let me tell you about bosses — they’re always on the prowl, trying to catch you off guard. And what’s worse is, depending on your line of work, many of them are seasoned pros when it comes to grammar rules. They’ve got those rules engraved in their brains, and they expect you to have a handle on them too. When your grammar starts to wobble, it’s like a red flag waving in front of their faces.

Now, a comma splice is when you hitch two independent clauses together with a comma instead of…