Grammar Tips That WILL Get You Laid

Getting better at grammar is the number one way to get laid more often.

When people think about grammar, usually, they roll their eyes and tune out. Comma splice? Hey buddy, splice this! An unclear antecedent? No thanks! Did I end a sentence with a preposition? Who cares!

You may not know that proper grammar is a sign of intelligence, and people find intelligence sexy. Brilliant thinkers like Ayn Rand, Nicola Tesla, Benjamin Franklin, and Marie Curie loved to get down. They found getting laid a breeze because of their above-average brains and understanding of fundamental grammar techniques.

Follow these easy techniques to improve your grammar and get laid more often:

1. You don’t use enough semicolons; it’s a shame; they’re so sexy.

In the days before emojis, people used semicolons all the time to indicate the “winky face.” But they’re not just for suggesting something nasty to someone in a cheeky way; they’re the sexiest punctuation mark.

Semicolons are used to join two independent clauses that share similar sentiments. The idea is to use a semicolon when you want to give the two clauses equal importance.

For instance:

The blind clown quit the priesthood; the brothers didn’t appreciate his casual nudity.

The blind clown quitting the priesthood is of equal importance to his colleagues not appreciating his ease with being naked.

Peppering in a few semicolons makes your writing sexier, even if it’s about priests and naked clowns.

2. How about some Oxford Commas?

The insufferably waspy band Vampire Weekend has a line in their song that says, “who gives a f**k about an Oxford comma?” Well, if getting laid more often is the goal, you should.

The Oxford comma debate rages on even today, but those who deride its use clearly don’t “deride” much of anyone or anything other than their rollerblades to the…the virgin…store.

Oxford commas or OCs are cool, and using them means you’re just pretentious enough to be attractive, and that’s a solid base for getting laid.

You use an OC after the conjunction in a list of things.

For example:

Before taking ecstasy in her bathroom, Karen needs orange juice, Vick’s Vaporub, and menthol cigarettes.

Proponents of the Oxford comma claim that its use helps remove ambiguity from sentences.

I like to think that using an OC puts particular importance on the last item listed. In this case, the menthol cigarettes will help Karen the most while she rolls on X.

Some might argue that the Vaporub is the essential item, but Karen has a lot on her mind, and there are few joys more uncorrupted than a long pull from a menthol in the bathtub.

Next time you’re messaging a potential partner, or even if you want to be sexier at home or work, give these grammar tips a try. You’ll find that not only do people look at you in a different light, but you’ll get laid, and you’ll get laid a lot. Thanks.