It’s not that difficult when you apply yourself, idiot. — Are you worried that you might be too polite? Do you go through your routine trying to be considerate and genial? If that’s the case, you’re in luck because I might have just what you need. I’m not saying that being an insufferable ass is the life for you, but…

If Jimmy isn’t on his way to heaven, this eulogy will send him there. — President Joe Biden let it slip that former president Jimmy Carter asked him to deliver his eulogy. According to npr.com, Biden made the remarks to some fatcat Democratic donors at an event in California. Upon realizing the gaff, Biden said, “excuse me, I shouldn’t have said that.” I don’t know…

You’re persecuting the overweight with your dedication to health. — There’s a disturbing trend in the media and on social media where people are pushing the idea that being “fat” (the terminology they use to describe themselves) is somehow healthy. As you can see from the photograph above, Cosmopolitan is positioning itself as one of the mouthpieces for this movement. …

I didn’t have someone to share gems like these with me. Listen up. — Time for some tough love. I won’t sugarcoat what I’m about to say, but if you value your future, you’ll heed my advice. I was a bonafide jerk-off when I was a younger man in my twenties. I fucked around for years with no direction or ambition. …

It’s high time we come together. — I’m white. It feels good to finally get that off my chest. Not only am I white, but I’m also a cisgender man. In the pantheon of history’s greatest monsters, I’m right up there with Hitler, Jeffrey Epstein, and Dick Cheney. The difference is that I only share my skin…

What would you do if your life was on the line? — I watched the film “Under Siege” last night, and while watching Steven Seagal slice through bad guys with a kitchen knife, I thought, “I could do that.” The reality is a highly trained group of mercenaries would kill me first as I’m a doughy target with only a few years…

So long, society. It’s been real, it’s been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun. — I don’t need to tell any of you that life is difficult. Sometimes it feels like no matter what you do or how hard you try, life throws an obstacle, and your dreams go unfulfilled. I’ve written millions and millions of words in my life, but I’m no closer to…

You may have already and not even realized it. — It’s difficult to ascertain with any certainty if your life is ruined as it’s happening. It’s like trying to gauge if you had a good time at a party before it’s over. …

It’s been a good run, but I’ll never amount to anything. — I had big dreams as a child. I think most of us do; that’s what being a child is for. You spend your days thinking about what kind of person you’ll be when you grow up and what you’ll be doing. …